Building Bonds with your Surrogate and Unborn Child: Trust, Communication, and Redirecting Anxiety
Becoming a parent through surrogacy is an incredible journey, but let’s be real—it’s not without its challenges. Along the way, you’ll experience joy, nerves, excitement, worry, and maybe even a few moments where you wonder, Can I really do this? I certainly did. And I’m here to help.
My mission? To support and protect your mental health and your future baby’s well-being. The way I see it, this journey is all about growth—not just becoming a parent, but evolving as a person. In researching this journey, I discovered the concepts of matrescence and patrescence—terms that describe the profound transitions we undergo as we become mothers and fathers. These shifts involve more than welcoming a child; they open the door to rich opportunities for personal growth, self-awareness, and deep connection. Our brains literally change! And these changes make it possible for us to learn new things and be in new ways.
To guide you through developing a new relationship with both your surrogate and your unborn little one, I focus on three big themes: trust, communication, and redirecting anxiety.
Let’s Talk About Trust
Trust is the foundation of pretty much every good relationship, and your relationship with your surrogate is no different. It’s a partnership that requires open communication, clear expectations, and mutual respect. Even though my surrogate was thousands of miles away from us and we never met in person until the birth, we worked to build a solid foundation of connection and trust that helped us through the difficult moments and created a lifelong bond.
Think of it as a practice run for parenthood. Babies bond best with people who make them feel safe, and adults are wired the same way! You can build trust with your surrogate by:
Keeping communication honest and kind.
Making agreements upfront and following through.
Repairing any misunderstandings quickly—because nobody’s perfect and mistakes will happen.
Considering ways to incorporate and share the journey with your surrogate: send her a Happy Birthday video on her birthday, or hold a simple blessing ceremony and make her a bracelet. Here’s a photo of bracelets my community made for me and my surrogate. I sent her a photo of the bracelet when we made it, so she knew that I was thinking about her. And then I gave her the bracelet when we finally met at the birth.
Trust is also essential for attachment, which begins in utero. Babies bond most effectively when they feel safe, and as intended parents, we have to take intentional steps to foster this bond since the baby won’t be with us during gestation. The good news? This transformative phase of matrescence or patrescence equips you with the ability to grow in new ways. With support, you can prepare yourself to build a secure, loving attachment with your child.
Communication Is Key
Good communication with your surrogate makes everything smoother. From how often you check in, to what you talk about, it’s important to set the tone early. Whether it’s texts, video calls, or attending appointments together, regular updates help build trust and a sense of partnership.
And if there’s a breakdown in communication or trust—because surrogacy is a whole new world for most of us and we’re all learning—the key is to focus on repairing the relationship. Be the first to reach out and say, Hey, how can I make this better? Let’s talk about this and make it right. Just like with parenting, it’s not about avoiding mistakes, but taking responsibility for our part and handling them with care and empathy.
To foster a connection with your baby during pregnancy, consider these ways to practice being in communication with them, and building trust:
Record voice messages or read stories to your baby, allowing them to become familiar with your voice. We read Goodnight Moon to our baby and recorded it for our surrogate to listen to. Now that’s one of his very favorite books!
Share comforting sounds, your favorite music, or a short goodnight lullaby - send links to your surrogate and ask her if she’s willing to both listen to them herself, and play them for your baby.
Create meaningful objects, like a knitted blanket or stuffed animal, to share with your child later.
Have a blessing ceremony for your child, and your surrogate.
Incorporate moments of connection into your day through meditations or visualizations, imagining your child healthy, happy, and safe.
Talk to your child throughout your day. By the time you meet them, you won’t feel like strangers—you’ll feel like family.
Here’s a photo of a perfectly imperfect rabbit I made a few months before the birth (since he was due in the Year of the Rabbit), along with a teddy bear a friend made, and the original teddy I’ve had since childhood.
Redirecting Worry Into Action
Let’s be honest: this process can feel overwhelming. Worry will creep in, and that’s okay—it means you care, and that there’s a lot of things out of your control. But instead of letting it spiral, we’ll channel it into something positive.
Here’s how:
Focus on what you can control. Prepare for your baby’s arrival by setting up the nursery, researching parenting essentials, listening to parenting podcasts, or taking a class. Here’s a page with lots of resources to get you going: https://www.intendedparentssupportcoach.com/resources
Make a postpartum plan including sleep (who will take which shift? How will you get enough sleep?), feeding (yourself and the baby), self care time, and relationship care. Start to build your village of people who will be there when you need them.
Write a blog or find other ways to document your journey and to share with your community and your child when they are older. Check out mine to see an example.
Take care of yourself. Whether it’s a walk, a yoga session, or a good book, self-care is non-negotiable. And don’t forget to connect with others who are going through something similar so you don’t feel so alone. All Paths Family Building is a great place to find free groups.
Visualize the best. Instead of worrying about what could go wrong, picture your surrogate and baby happy, healthy, and thriving. Make it a practice that each time you have a worried thought, you balance it out with a deep breath and imagining that all is well.
And if you’re really struggling, lean on your support system—your partner, a therapist, or a coach like me. This journey is too important to let anxiety take the wheel.
The Big Picture
Surrogacy isn’t just a way to become a parent; it’s a chance to grow into the best version of yourself. It’s about learning to trust, communicate, and handle challenges with grace. And when your baby arrives, all the work you’ve put in—on yourself, your relationship, and your village—will have been worth it. Because the journey is just beginning when baby is in your arms! You’ll need all the tools you’ve been developing along the way to learn to be the best parent you can be.
And remember, you’re not alone. I’m here to walk this path with you, every step of the way. Reach out for a free 60 minute talk.
Let’s make this journey as smooth, meaningful, and joyful as it can be.
